"The Christmas Summit of 2003"

Steve Kenney

CAST

Tom Jenkins, 30’s

Tina Jenkins, 30’s

John the Negotiator, 70’s

(Three desks in a line. JOHN in the middle desk. TOM and TINA seated at the other two)

JOHN

I’d like to begin by welcoming our two participants, Mr. Tom Jenkins and Mrs. Tina Jenkins, to the bargaining table.

(Pause)

Let us convene the Jenkins Christmas Travel Summit of 2003.

TINA

Thank you, sir.

TOM

Yes, thank you.

JOHN

Ok, I have read the briefs and the proposals regarding this case and I feel certain we will resolve the question of where the Jenkins family will spend this Christmas Holiday.

TINA

But we just have to spend it with my Family. We didn’t go there for Thanksgiving!

TOM

We didn’t go anywhere for Thanksgiving.

TINA

(yelling)

Because you said you were sick!

TOM

I was sick.

JOHN

Mrs. Jenkins, please, let’s begin. I assure you, my experience working with President Carter in the Middle East peace process many years ago will serve us well. Together we can solve this dispute.

TINA

Yes of course, I’m sorry.

JOHN

Okay, proposal number one. Mr. Jenkins has proposed that this year you go to visit his family and in exchange he will wash the dishes in January.

TINA

What? And then I wash the dishes the rest of the year? What the hell are you talking about?

JOHN

Let the record show that Mrs. Jenkins has refused proposal number one. Shall we proceed to proposal number two?

TINA

After hearing that proposal, I propose I take Timmy and Patty and leave this bastard all alone for the Holiday.

TOM

We agreed not to bargain with the children.

TINA

That’s not a bargain – that’s a threat, you idiot.

JOHN

Shall we take a recess?

TOM

That won’t work with her.

TINA

Shut up, Tom. No, I’m fine, Mr. President. Please, let’s proceed.

JOHN

Proposal Number Two. Mrs. Jenkins proposes that the Jenkins family spend 3 days with her family in Houston, and in exchange, she will stop trying to get Mr. Jenkins to do his fair share of the chores.

TOM

Now that’s just insulting!

JOHN

Then I’ll take that as a no?

TOM

That’s a no.

JOHN

Proposal Number Three. Mr. Jenkins has offered that you visit his family this year and in exchange, he’ll go to her family next year AND give up golf for a month.

TINA

He doesn’t even play golf in winter! And we’d go to my family for at least one Holiday next year anyway!

JOHN

So that’s a no as well then?

TINA

No! But maybe we could go see his family this year if he would give up something real – something he cares about.

TOM

Like what?

TINA

Like beer.

TOM

Hell no.

TINA

Sex?

TOM

Do you really want me to give up sex?

TINA

(considering)

Ok, you’re right. Just give up the sex you have by yourself.

JOHN

Please, please, let’s maintain some decorum. And I feel I should reference here the Treaty of The Upstairs Hallway Bathroom of ’02. It was agreed that you would not bargain with your personal sex lives.

TINA

I just don’t see how we can make this work.

JOHN

That’s what they said about Egypt and Isreal. Please try. There is a long history of successful agreements between you. There was the “Lose 20 pounds this year and I’ll buy you new clothes” agreement of 2001. And of course there was the “Poker Weekly and I’ll Cancel all Porn subscriptions” also of 2001.

TOM

(lovingly)

That was A good year, sweetie.

TINA

Yes, I guess we can make this work.

JOHN

Yes, that attitude will help us. And there wasn’t even a healthy sex life to build on between Begin and Sadat.

TOM

And let’s not forget “I’ll Stop Swearing in Front of the Kids If You Flirt with My Boss at Dinner”

TINA

And there was the Paris treaty…

JOHN

For the record, Mrs. Jenkins has referred to the Paris Treaty of ’95 wherein Mr. Jenkins agreed to take Mrs. Jenkins to Paris in exchange for delaying having children for another year.

TOM

Okay! I’m ready to compromise! In order to go visit your family, I move for immediate ratification of the “Twice Weekly Blow Job Referendum.”

TINA

That’s crap – then you have to get me a new car!

TOM

Okay, fine!

TINA

What? Really? Okay, AND you can only play poker once a month!

TOM

Then I get a new recliner!

TINA

Then we get new curtains for the living room!

TOM

Then I get to have a … I get a pinball machine. No, Space Invaders!

TINA

Well, okay… then I get to have a horse!

TOM

A horse?

TINA

Okay – no horse – one more child!

TOM

What?

TINA

Okay, we can adopt.

TOM

(stunned)

A horse?

(a moment of confusion)

JOHN

Fantastic. An agreement so soon. I’ll need both your signatures.

BLACKOUT